Thursday, February 11, 2010

Difference between heroin feces and americano feces

Dear vagina man,

I want to start out by saying that I don't hate you. I don't want you to die. I don't want your parents to crash into the carbon monoxide walls of your country. I don't want anybody to get hurt. I don't want this to continue. I want good things, happy days with puppies and fire trucks. I want soft pretzels and bowls of melted cheese as yellow as those Georgia tulips that symbolize your namesake. I want pictures of smooth hands on the front of economy sized granola bar cardboard containers. I want to catch a fish after 62 hours in my stepfather's canoe only to release it back into the six pack marsh because I'm just that sad. Sensitive. Kind hearted.

Let me start out by saying that you must have had a really hard time meeting your boyfriend over the Internet, and that's all I'm going to say about your personnel life.

Let me start out by saying that I have to remove myself from this situation before the snakes crawl out of our pipes. Before the scar on my back comes back to life and shakes apples to the forbidden ground we walk on. It's going to be OK Vagina Man. You can unlock your face bones. I don't want to see you suffer. I know what kind of job I have. I take the trash out over black ice and white frosting. I get nine dollars an hour. I wipe shit off the walls. I unclog the porcelain with my gloved hand. I give back to society. I'm a team player. I'm also a very busy person.

So, let me just start off by saying that it's not even worth it Vagina Man. We are America. And America is a 22 bus ride with reduced and less frequent hours. The games are coming to TV Vagina Man. It's a game, a play, a day, an hour. It's not a hard. It's not an explode. It's rarely even a care. It's certainly not a freak, or an out. We're not going to bullet point every disagreement down to the banana and the hooded sweat shirt. We're going to go to Vancouver. It's a large place, we can co-exist there peacefully without ever having to look at one another.

I'm glad we didn't have this talk. I feel better. Get back out there Vagina Man, I'll set these wheels in step. You can relax you twisted sheep girl.

Bob of planet relax the hell up out of my rice milk

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