De-Green.

Woke up in time for Sunday Morning.
At a low volume.
Stretched over sized sleep shirt over folded kness.
Made sure not to get horizontal.
Didn't want to fall back asleep.
Life raft creaked out to snuggle.
Knew he had a long day out.
Salon.
For six years of my life I marked my second week in January with a salon.
A Neo-Futurist prime time salon.
Wierd to imagine them all there.
Eating dohnuts over ideas.
Stepping over each others sentences.
Getting nervous.
Getting tired.
Getting excited.
Working out loud.
Went to the 11am service.
Fran preached about the three words you would use to describe yourself.
Or call yourself.
If you only had three words.
Christian.
Wife.
Writer.
But you're not in trouble if you don't call yourself a Christian.
Or if you don't call yourself a Christian every day.
I mean she didn't say that.
But.
This is an Episcopalian church.
These are my freinds.
Friend.
Friend.
Wife.
Sister.
Or.
Student.
Partner.
Believer.
Something to think about.
In list formation.
List formations are healing.
No matter the heading or margin.
In my opinion.
The lady in the scarf asked for volunteers to stay after service and help de-green the church.
The wreathes are dying.
Kind of sad.
You can take a pointsetta home if you want.
No thanks.
Poisoness to cats.
Wanted to walk to the Sweedish pancake house for sausage and lingden berries.
Got too cold.
Jutted into the deli/cafe/brunch/novelty item place.
Ate chilequilles at the counter.
Read.
Kind of sad not to be with rosey cheeked friends and their warm stacks of paper.
In.
And.
Out.
Thought about going to the twenty dollar spa.
Decided it was just too cold to go back in and go back out.
Went in.
Ran a very hot bath.
Lit votives.
Breathed.
Stayed in the water just long enough to work up a sweat.
Felt good.
Felt eased.
Oily.
Put clothes back on.
Much too early for pajamas.
Needed to stay awake.
But not crazed.
Not frantic.
No spirals.
Clothes on.
In the bed
But only half way under the covers
With the book.
Took my time.
Doozed a little.
But finished all the reading for tomorrow.
Did not get horizontal.
Felt very good.
Very proud.
Got up.
Did the dishes.
Cleaned the litter box.
Rewarded myself with Downton Abbey.
Switched over to the globes.
Wanted so badly to be a famous actress when I was younger.
Didn't everybody?
Glad that dream has faded.
Prefer this.
Life raft came home.
Just like he said he would.
Always does.
Kiss.
Hug.
Order pizza.
Pushed it all through.
The whole day.
Time for pajamas.
Sadness:
A little.
Anger:
Not at all.
Accomplished:
Yes.
Breath:
In.
Breath:
Out.



Good Job,
Skin & Toast

It's Easy

It's really easy to miss her at a table for two by myself.

Comes to me as easy as a drop of water....."As take from me thyself and not me two."

Eggs in the middle of the day.

Twenty seven cups of coffee.

Toasted brioche with lots of butter on top of the butter already on top.

Very warm desk lamp light on top of very polished tables next to very big already dark windows.

Books.

More coffee.

I feel like I am killing time before a train ride to the loop.

I feel like I have your twenty dollar bill in my coat pocket.

I feel like I am twelve and you are meeting me on the steps of the Art Institute.

We're members.

I'm in a dress.

I feel easy and endless.

We lived like kings for no reason.

Sometimes I get angry.



Why would you pay Anna fifty dollars a week to scrub our apartment top to bottom, but not save a penny for your daughters education?


But, I'm not angry right now. I'm stacking the dust of you on top of the ether on top of the seat across from mine.

You're young, and healthy, eating lots of bread, sitting on the butter to keep it warm. We're talking like we used to. We agree on everything exactly. We have exactly the same taste in exactly everything. I'm you. You're me. I'm wearing your sweater. I'm not angry.













I went to a spa. It was only twenty bucks for a steam room/sauna room/Jacuzzi bubble three hour rotation. I took a power sculpt cardio something something yoga class, my co-worker teaches those things--discount! I splurged on a dark pair of no hole jeans. I bought some, what's it called? Kava? Natures natural sleep aid. Keeps me on a schedule and feels better than beer.



It's a new year. I'm committed really seriously scouts honor sears seriously really really hard to working on the sadness/anger thing, it's a full blow part time job don't get me wrong, but so worth it, or so my inner chi tells me.


No more temper tantrums. Please. Not unless they are on stage.


She will always be in silhouettes of dust across from you.


Just breath it in and breath it out.






Skin.
And.
Toast.
Always.
Always.
All.
Of.
The.
Mothers.

Oh Christ.

I think, from what I can piece together from the scriptures, and the epiphany advent baptisms, and the homily eucalyptus oils--is--that the day is really awesome. Actual awesome incarnate. But, the juice really starts to flow once you get home--after the Shepards retrace their steps if you will. That's when you start working. That's the change you wish.

Like when you get a book deal, lets suppose, a book deal, with a handsome advance. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Well, then you have to write it. And it should be longer than a page. So, that's a challenge.

Maybe that's a bad example. Maybe that's not it at all. maybe that's all receiving and not a whole lot of giving.

Or maybe it's the greatest of gifts.

Or maybe you really love your friends. And maybe you feel the need to keep them so close, so very close, so close and squeezy you're almost afraid you'll kill em. Just strangle em. Like a whittle teeny tiny bunny.

And it's always easier to see them this time of year, when there's a big ol' spotlight beaming down on their mangy lil' roofs.

And then the routine starts up again, and the salt goes right to the ankles, and you try on jeans at the Gap all by yourself. And you really really want to see your friends looking Rosy and gifty right now. Cause its just so fun. Cause it goes by so fast. Cause we don't have a lot of time.

So, that means you have to call them.

Ya big loon.

They all live in like a three block radius from your lil' slanty lil' pile of hay and life.

Lean too,
Skin & Toast

AWALL

Hello to you.
I'm writing to you from under a pile of blankets and trash.
I'm OK.
I did it.
I got pneumonia.
But I did it.
I got all A's for the first time since first grade.
I got a fresh set of classes.
They start next week.
Not till Friday.
I'm under a pile of trash and blankets.
They
Feel
The
Classes
I
Presume
From
The titles
Much
More
Pleasing
To
The
Subject
Of
The
Doing.
Less Trash.
Less Itch.










And we're now full speed ahead on Analog; the Kurt Chiang tour de force. So, watch for that. It's crunch time.



Warm Showers,
Skin & Toast